Stages of a broken heart

I have been absent lately. Absent from work, friends, blogging, even hair washing (gross but true). I have been going through the stages of a broken heart. These stages are similar to the stages of grief; After all, I suffered a loss. The main difference is that you only wish the other person were dead.

Stage one: Oversharing
“Mark was at the concert with another girl. And she was ugly. And he was wearing the shirt I gave him.” The bartender listened sympathetically. So did the guy sitting at the bar next to me. And the waitress. And the valet. And the guy selling drugs by the bathroom. Everyone looks like Dr. Phil to me when I’ve been crushed.

Stage two: Intoxication

Stage three: Anger
Now that I’ve got a good buzz going, and the drunk guy next to me confirmed that I’m way hotter than the other girl, the rage sets in. Who is he to drop me? I’m fantastic. I’m cute and funny, and the drug dealer totally checked out my rack. I Am A Catch.

Stage four: Flirtation
For a drug dealer, he’s a great listener…

Stage five: Hangover/sadness
I wake up in the same clothes I wore to the concert last night. My head hurts and my mouth tastes like Parliament Lights. My bed is empty and I can’t call the person who always puts me back together, because he’s the one who broke me. I now remember that I left my phone at the bar on purpose because I knew I would call him if I had it.

I picked up my phone from the bar the next night after work. There’s a message from him:
"I broke up with her after the concert. I would rather be with you. Please call me."

I don’t respond. Hell, I’m already at a bar—time for another drink.

Repeat stages one-five.

I feel worse the next day, if that’s possible. There's an e-mail from him. His words were the emotional equivalent of pleading no contest to a crime: He didn't do it and he won't do it again. He misses me.

I've already called into work sick on account of the hangover and greasy hair, so I decide to go talk to him. We’re not in a committed relationship, he reminds me. And I wasn’t supposed to be there that night. And I should know that I am the most important person to him, and he loves me, and he has missed me for the last three days.

Of all the stages, the worst is the sixth: Reconciliation.

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GreenCanary said...

I have NO IDEA what the story behind this one is, but any guy who uses the line, "You weren't supposed to be there," needs his ass kicked.

Anonymous said...

GreenCanary has it right. Run away! Run away!

(Also, the line about pleading no-contest is dead on.)

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Ditto the above comments!

This post hits the nail on the head though. Especially the line I can’t call the person who always puts me back together, because he’s the one who broke me. That's the exact feeling that makes me never want to fall in love again.

harper & beatrix said...

Green Canary- You are totally right about kicking his ass.

Mark and I have always had a nebulous relationship. I compare it to being out on the water. You get used to constantly shifting you weight back and forth to balance. Once you get back on land, you feel unsteady because it's been so long since you could just stand still.

That's one reason I love writing about this stuff-- You can't hide crazy when you have to write it down. And Mark and I are definitely crazy.

Nicky said...

the steps are on point.

good luck with that!

Libërty said...

If you ignore the absolute ache of a heartbreak behind this post, and just see it in writing...

that was hilarious.

Aside from that, the guy does not sound cool. Why can't he commit to you if you're so fantastic?