the universe is sending me mixed signals

At first I thought it was some sort of karmic punishment.

But Sam’s grandmother says it’s good luck to be pooped on by a bird. After all, what worse can happen to you that day?

So I guess if a pigeon’s gonna poop on you, 6:15 a.m. is a good time because it buys you a solid chunk of good-luck day.

I was coming home at 6:15 a.m., unlocking the front door of my building, because I didn’t listen to Harper.

“You should stick to your rules. I think you’re in danger of losing your good girl status. And once you lose it. . . .”

Well, I listened. And I tried. She said I’m addicted to boys and it’s a problem. She might be right. And she said I can only meet the boy Jules wants to set me up with if I get rid of Sandeep. Like cleaning out a closet that’s too full, she said.

“If making out was donuts, you’d be fat.”

I tried.

I called Sandeep and told him that I didn’t know if seeing him was a good idea because I didn’t think we wanted the same things. That he wanted a more physical relationship and that I felt like he didn’t want to get to know me. In an effort to be honest and a generally good person, I rehearsed what I wanted to say all the way home on the train. Then, after I ate two slices of pizza and checked my email and talked to Harper and looked at myself in the mirror for a while, I actually called him and I actually said what I meant to say.

I did what I was supposed to do, and that should have been it.

“What a shocker,” he sounds genuinely surprised. Genuinely.

He tells me it doesn’t have to be that way. I should have told him. I shouldn’t have waited until now to call him.

I can just come over, watch t.v. We don’t have to do anything, he promises. It’s up to me.

And when I’m telling him goodbye the next morning, getting ready to walk out the door, he wraps his arms around me and asks.

“See you soon? Or are we going to have to have that conversation again?”

I shrug, bring a section of my hair to my lips, and shake my head, half in his grasp, half out.

“You are too young to worry about this: what is good and what is bad.”

I felt it first, looked up to see two pigeon tails.

Logic tells me I deserve it.

But Logan, with his ancient Chinese wisdom, tells me I should buy a lottery ticket.



~beatrix