3.6.09

defense

Maybe I shouldn’t have had wine. Or maybe I shouldn’t have let him pay for my dinner. Maybe I should just never have dinner with boys at all. I definitely shouldn’t have gone up to see his place. But I just keep hoping that girls can be friends with boys and that I don’t have to play defense all the time.

He’s a friend of Prince Charming, but tonight he’s not saying his name. Only five months ago he stood there and told me he was sure we’d end up together-- that Prince Charming wasn’t ready now, but that it would work out.

“I don’t think you’re right,” I told him. “And I can’t just wait around for him.”

He spent dinner laughing at me, but now he’s sitting too close. I had mentioned my boy in Brooklyn, dropping “we” whenever I could. It seems so wrong that he’s touching my hair. I don’t like this anymore.

He leans in. I turn my cheek-- a kiss-dodge in the truest sense. I know something now. I wait a few minutes, make some excuses, hug him goodbye when he insists.

On the sidewalk, I try to catch my breath. Why do I let this happen? I feel tears behind my eyes, but hold them back and walk. I think about walking home. I don’t want to go home. I know it. I clutch my phone, send a text:

“At 59th street, trying to decide what train to take.”

I know it’s needy before I press send. But that’s what I am right now.

It’s late, but not too late. And I find what I need on a stoop in Brooklyn.


~beatrix


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4 comments:

Mr London Street said...

This is as fine as any post you've done.

And we've all had our stoop moments, maybe I'll blog about mine one day.

imerika said...

it's ok to be needy. sometimes we just need a hug from someone who cares to make us feel better and forget about what is bugging us.

Elwood said...

I would never say no if a girl text mesage me out of the blue to come over. For whatever the reason. Unless, it was to kill me or something...

SonnyVsDan said...

i would have loved reading this story if it wasn't real.