what happens in teaneck. . .

I was dancing and squirming around in the bus shelter. It was freezing. And I had to pee. And I couldn’t feel my butt cheeks because I had tried sitting on the bench.

We’d waited in Blockbuster for a while, eating five different kinds of snacks that we bought for $8, making us consider going to Jersey to grocery shop. But now Blockbuster was closed, and we were stuck outside eating chocolate-covered pretzels, Milk Duds, Peanut M&Ms, Pringle-like chips, and Starburst.

We’d missed the second bus because it turned out that you needed to consult both a chart and a graphic to know how the 12:45 bus back to the city works. When I’d jumped around pointing “A bus! A bus!”? it didn’t turn the corner because it wasn’t our bus so much as because this wasn’t its stop.

We’d missed the first bus not so much because we’d taken a wrong turn so much as because we’d failed to take a right one. And it took us a while to figure out that the street we were on was curvy and dark and residential and not leading to the bus stop intersection.

We were in New Jersey in the first place for a party, which turned out to be full of old hippies. I’d done shots with men old enough to be my father, thrown things off the second floor balcony, and danced with a guy named Bob.

We both kept saying, “I don’t really feel drunk, but I know I must be.” And we must have been, because sober people do not get stuck in Teaneck, New Jersey at 1 o’clock in the morning.

I should have been worried and annoyed and anxious, but I wasn’t. I don’t think it’s because I was drunk either.

Alix is funny, and she thinks I’m funny. We have compatible tastes in junk food. She’s slutty enough to confide in, but not too slutty to trust.

Guys, I think I’ve made a girl friend.


~beatrix

boy rats and girl rats

John starts with, “I have a question.” so you know it’s gonna be good.

“Woman troubles,” he explains.
“Already?”
He laughs, “Yeah. . . I can’t figure this broad out. That’s where you come in.”

He explains how he thought everything was great-- he made her dinner, everything was perfect, he took her out to breakfast the next morning. Now she suddenly won’t make plans.

I’m sorry John’s having girl trouble, but secretly, I love it when boys act like girls.

I immediately lay out what John calls “advanced tactics”: Step one- calm down; step two- make plans with someone else before Saturday; step three- be excited, but don’t be aggressive. . . . But I stop myself because this is the old Beatrix.

“You know what? I have all these rules. But I’ve been trying to tell myself this lately, too: you should do whatever feels right and whatever is honest.”

I surprise myself, like the day I told Sam not to lead a boy on and he looked at me with an open mouth.

This is my new leaf.

John gets new information that the girl in question is mean to her friends when they talk to him. (Did I mention that she’s 22.5 years old?)

“So maybe your advice is correct! I should find another girl to hang out with!”

That was not what I said or what I meant.

“I just need to talk to other girls in front of her. . . I’ll be fine. . . Maybe get caught giving a shoulder rub of some kind to another girl. . . I can see it now.”

Again, definitely not what I meant.

But I tell him, “I read in National Geographic once that girl rats like boy rats who smell like other girl rats. And I was like, this isn’t news. Those scientists just need to watch The Bachelor.”


~beatrix

psa for boys

Here is some advice for boys who want to date girls: Ask girls out on dates.

We rarely say no to a first date when the asking is done properly.

And if you want to ask properly, you just have to follow a few simple rules.

First, use the telephone. Texts, email, gchat, etc. are all too informal and, honestly, a little wimpy. I suppose asking in person is fine, but this makes everyone a little anxious. The phone is better because it shows you were thinking of your girl even when she’s not around.

Second, use this simple formula:
A [I was wondering if you would like to]
B [ have dinner]
C [with me]
D [at Gemma]
E [on Tuesday night]?

Part A - You must pose the question in an interested and hopeful manner. Possible substitutions include [I was hoping you would like to] and [I would like it if you would].

Part B - The possibilities are endless. Just make sure that you have a destination and activity in mind. The activity should be something that both you and she will enjoy and should be conducive to conversation. First dates should rarely involve sitting in silence, so movies and theater are best saved for later dates when maybe she’ll let you hold her hand. Possible substitutions include [have drinks], [go out for coffee], [eat pie], [go on a picnic], [go for a walk], [go see an exhibit], [tango]. Never say [hang out], [do something], etc.

Part C - You must say it these words. This lets the girl know that this is a date. This is not a group activity, and she will be spending time with you alone There are no substitutions.

Part D - Having a specific plan is thoughtful, and it shows that you are serious about wanting to spend time with the girl. You should, however, be flexible. If, for example, you suggest going out for sushi, but the girl explains that she is allergic to rice, you may want to use a backup plan. Possible substitutions include [at Verlaine], [at Joe’s Coffee], [in Central Park].

Part E - Having a specific day in mind helps to ensure that you will make solid plans with the girl. If, for example, you ask to have dinner [next week some time], you run the risk of pushing the plan-making process to a later date. You should be flexible, but offering a specific day will give a starting point. Possible substitutions include [on the 3rd], [this weekend].

After the girl has, no doubt, said yes. You can work out details such as time and where you will meet.

When in doubt about what to say to a girl you want to date, pretend you are asking out a girl on a 1950’s television program. You will appear thoughtful and endearing. And it is ok to be nervous! That quiver in your voice is charming. Take pity points when you can get them.

Best of luck.



~beatrix

but you are so cute

“Do you have a boyfriend?”
“No.”
“Why not? You are so cute.”

I hate hate hate this conversation.

I try to respond, “Oh, well I don’t marry every boy who asks.”

But next time, I’m gonna say, “Oh, because I’m crazy. I’m clingy and needy plus, you know, really insane. And my sexual appetite is truly insatiable. I can't find anyone to keep up with me.”

I think maybe I need to stop listening to so much Lily Allen.


~beatrix

so how do you feel about bald?

“My friend wants me to meet his cousin. . . .”

Alix and I, simultaneously:
“Meet him!”
“You should meet him!”

“But I don’t want to. I think he’s ugly. I think he’s bald.”

Alix and I, simultaneously:
“That’s ok!”
“Bald’s not so bad!”

And Alix laughs, “We are going to die alone.”

But seriously, I kind of like bald.


~beatrix

two fatty tears

John: i'm excited that i've found a girl that i really like. she will probably ruin me though.
Beatrix: good ruin or bad ruin?
John: bad ruin. i'm just a worrier.
Beatrix: no. don’t worry if you like her. things work out when they are supposed to.

I talked to Simon. It was fine. We are going to try to make things less complicated. We are friends.

“Um. . . I have a flight out of Laguardia in two weeks. . . . “
“Yes, of course you can stay with me.”

When I hung up, I let myself cry. I only had two tears.

I stared at the ceiling for a while. Then my phone buzzed.

It was my new girl friend Alix: “Want to come out tonight?”

Things work out when they are supposed to.



~beatrix

Dating boot camp, part one

As I mentioned before, B and I are quite different. Another key example: She is great at dating, and terrible at relationships (her assessment, not mine). I, on the other hand, am great at relationships and pretty awful at dating.

Ok, I'm bad at both but there's no reason to point out all of my flaws at once.

It's not that I am bad at the actual dinner and movie portion. I don't talk about ex boyfriends or order the surf and turf. It's more my choice in my date that seems to be flawed. In my attempts to change (because that's possible, right?) I decided to start a dating boot camp. Dating boot camp means that I had to accept a date with anyone who asked, even if--and especially-- if they did not fit my "type". It was a social experiment designed to challenge my preconceptions/misconceptions about what constitutes a good partner. And worst case scenario, I'd get some free dinners and great stories.

First up: Domino Dave. Dave was a regular at my pub, but not like Norm or Cliff from Cheers. Dave caught my eye because he and his friends just came in to play dominos. They'd find a quiet corner of the bar, spread out the pieces, and play for a few hours. Dave never ordered more than a Sprite, and I certainly never saw him drunk.

Dave was tall, blonde, and sober. Certainly not my type.

Perfect.


-Harper

2008: the exciting conclusion

part 2

Part 3: December

Alistair texts me while I’m out shopping. I’m surprised because I haven’t heard from him since April? May? When I wouldn’t give any explanation for not wanting to see him anymore. The truth is that I had bigger hopes for how things would happen with [Nickname].

Ali wants to get together. It’s not a good night for me because [Nickname]’s having a party. But Ali insists, so I say I’ll stop by on the way.

It never rains, you know?

I’m careful not to drink straight out of bottles. I want this to be a good party. I’m in a party dress and everything.

I don’t realize how drunk [Nickname] is when we all head out to a place across the street. He insists that I leave all my stuff in his apartment “because you’re coming back.” But while I’m talking to Tabor, Ty pukes on us. Seriously. Then he disappears. [Nickname]’s doorman lets us in even though no one’s answering the phone. [Nickname]’s there with some girl. And my stuff’s in the bedroom. Mac doesn’t live there, but he’s locked in there with a girl of his own.

I insist that I’m taking the subway home. It’s 3 a.m. Tabor hails a cab, puts me in it, and follows me in. He wants me to just stay at his place because it’s closer. I’ve just met him that night. And I’m covered in puke. I do not understand boys. He tells me he’s not like [Nickname] and Mac, but I want to go home. He gives me money for the cab ride the rest of the way and gets out.

Things are out of hand, and I’m exhausted.

****

Epilogue

I’m great at dating. I’ll wear something cute and curl my hair and the conversation won’t stop.

I’m trying to be better at relationships. So I’m taking a break, and I’m not going to start back until I’ve tidied up all these loose ends.


~beatrix


p.s. we named him Prince Charming.
~b

2008: the plot thickens

part 1


Part Two: Summer

Summer is easy with its long days. Work is busy. I don’t eat much, but I thrive on adrenaline and sunshine and boys.

I worked 77 hours that week. And I kissed five boys.

Fred was in town the weekend before. He’s my last college boyfriend. I wonder how things would have ended with him if we hadn’t had to just walk away from it. Monday night is nothing like the wild night we had in his hotel, but he stops in for goodbyes and a little makeout.

Wednesday is a late night at work, and the sky bursts open. [Nickname]’s place is much closer than mine. By that point, I knew that things were never going to work out with [Nickname]*. But he fed me Cheerios before we got in bed.

Saturday, Hugo’s in town. It’s good to see him. We get caught in the rain, and find shelter in the big windows of the Met. We finally give up on staying dry, and make a dash to a dive bar. We get a little drunk, so he suggests we take a hot shower. I laugh, but I know he’s not joking. So we do it.

Later that night I get a text from Mac. He wants me to meet him at a wedding reception. I say no, but when he prompts “live a little”, I give in. I get a call from Cooper, a boy I’d met the week before, and talk to him in the cab on the way to the Mandarin Oriental. I try to catch up with Mac by downing tequila shots. We dance, and after giving him my cheek a few times, I let him kiss me on the lips. I sleep in his bed that night.

Sunday morning, it’s a cab ride of shame, with me in gold heels and a cocktail dress that plunges most of the way to my belly button. But this new boy Ben wants to take me to the Botanical Garden, so I shower and change. I fall asleep in the grass, and when I wake up, he kisses me a little.

It was fun, but this can’t last. Karma catches up with me, and I fall for Cooper. He’s not what I’m looking for, and he’s juggling almost as many girls as I am boys. It’s a mess. And he doesn’t choose me.

****

*As this boy is our only overlap, I'm consulting with Harper on what we should call him.


~beatrix

part 3

2008: a year in review

Prologue

I’m just lounging around in my apartment with big hair, full makeup, gigantic vintage clip-on earrings, a cut-up t shirt, and panties thinking about how, for someone who claims to date so much, I’ve been a little boring. Sure, there are always boys, but this winter I’ve been doing a lot less dating and a lot more moping and contemplating than usual. I’ve been eating a lot of pasta.

I should probably explain the kissing moratorium. And the sudden desire to simplify everything.

So to get you all up to speed, I have prepared for you a recap of last year: a work in three parts.

Enjoy.
****

Part One: Winter

I woke up in David’s bed. He wanted to marry me, and I’d been playing along. I sort of wanted to believe in it.

I woke up, and I just knew it. My whole face hurt.

I can’t remember what started it. I guess we were arguing, but I wasn’t putting up much of a fight. It had been four months; I am so predictable. And the light hurt.

He said I was immature because I wouldn’t move the sheet from my face. But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t do it. I just woke up and knew it. It was over. This time for real.

He had to go to work. It was Saturday. That’s how things were. He left. I wanted to leave. But I couldn’t. I went back to sleep.

The next day I stopped by, picked up my things, and left his key. He stashed cab money in my stuff, and I found it when I got home.

The dark months are hard.


~beatrix


part 2